Why is cherishing so transformative?

Published on Substack Dec 3, 2025

Title: What Do You Want Most in Life?

Success? Fame? Achievement?

Or is it to feel really appreciated - even cherished - by your family, friends, and community?

Harvard’s longest-running study on human happiness found that close relationships - not wealth, status, or accomplishments - are what make people happiest and healthiest.

So if we all long for close relationships …

why does real connection feel so hard to create?

Because . . . most of us aren’t connecting person to person.

We’re connecting:

• role to role (parent/child, partner/partner, manager/worker)

• wall to wall (defensiveness, fear, shame)

• mask to mask (performance, bravado, self-protection)

• or through control - trying to change someone instead of seeing them

But what if there’s another way?

What if you could meet the real person behind all of that…

Not by tearing down their walls,

but by offering a safety so warm that their walls simply aren’t needed.

That’s what cherishing does.

What Cherishing Means

Cherishing is seeing the essence of a person - past their defenses, their performance, their habits - into the human being inside who is worthy of appreciation and delight.

Cherishing communicates:

“You matter here. You’re safe to be real here. Your presence is wanted.”

It’s a lot like being a gardener. Gardeners don’t make plants be a different type or shape - they research what conditions help each plant flourish.

Cherishing quietly asks:  Is this person real to me?

Or am I reacting to a role, a stereotype, or a problem?

Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, on an Oprah podcast on family estrangement, puts it beautifully:

“If you want to get along or regain the relationship, you have to treat them like a treasured friend - like someone you want to keep a cherished person.”

Cherishing is treating people as treasured - not as roles, not as disappointments, not as extensions of our expectations.

And cherishing includes you, too.

Cherishing doesn’t ask us to focus only on others. 

In fact, cherishing ourselves is integrity. When you cherish your own essence - your needs, your limits, your growth - you become someone who can cherish others without losing yourself. People see by example how they can do this, too.

Then something beautiful happens:

Essence meets essence.

Two equal human beings meet with openness and delight.

We’re Always Influencing

Jane Goodall once said:

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact … You have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

We can’t NOT influence. Every interaction shapes the emotional climate around us.

The real question is:

Does your influence create fear or safety?

Walls or openness?

Pressure - or possibility?

Cherishing is the ethical use of influence:

not controlling others, but creating conditions where their own growth becomes possible.

We don’t make people grow.   We simply nourish what’s already there.

And that transforms everything.

Two Scenes of Cherishing

Scene 1

You’re a child caught climbing Grandma’s furniture. You brace for a scolding.

Instead, she gives you “that look” - the one that says she still delights in you.

“There’s a better place to play. Want to go to the park?”

In that moment you learned:

“I can make mistakes and still be delightful”.

Scene 2

You bring home a painting from art class.

Someone looks at it - and sees you. Your imagination. Your way of seeing the world.

“Tell me about this part…” they say with curiosity.

Suddenly you understand:

My inner world matters. Someone appreciates me.

These small moments can shape our life.

Cherishing vs. Praise vs. Kindness

Praise is often evaluative.

It can motivate, but it can also create pressure. “You’re amazing!” can feel hollow or unattainable.

Kindness is wonderful - a warm gesture, a helpful act - but even kindness can miss the mark if we don’t understand what someone truly needs.

Cherishing goes deeper.

It feels more like recognition than evaluation - like someone truly tuning in to you.

It is:

• accurate: grounded in who the person actually is, not who we wish they were.

• specific: noticing the little things that reveal their heart or effort.

• rooted in seeing: an attuned presence that says, “I notice you, and I care.”

• nourishing: it strengthens both people, leaving everyone feeling more open and calmer inside.

Cherishing is like watering a drooping plant - it helps people become more fully themselves, not polished versions of who they think they “should” be. 

The Longing We Share

If you’re honest, you know the ache.

You want to walk into a room and feel: “They’re genuinely glad I’m here.”

You want to share something real - and be met with curiosity, not judgment or advice.

You want to be seen for who you are - not the role you play.

You want someone’s eyes to light up simply because you walked in.

This isn’t childish. It’s deeply human.

We’re wired for this kind of belonging.

When we don’t experience cherishing, we feel the sting of disconnection.

We can decide that cherishing is important - but it takes intention, time, insights and skills to cherish well.

What Happens When We’re Cherished

When someone sees your essence, a few things happen almost immediately:

• your defensiveness drops. Walls soften because there’s no danger.

• old stories lose power. “I’m not enough” can’t survive true delight.

• you become your real self. Not polished - somehow more authentic than when you try too hard.

• you remember you belong. You feel connected to something bigger.

These moments ripple to impact others.

Cherishing:

• improves the giver’s happiness

• reduces resentment and improves health

• strengthens communities

• makes difference safe

• helps people bring their gifts instead of their defenses

In a divided world, cherishing is quietly but powerfully revolutionary.

A Small Way to Practice Cherishing at Your Next Gathering

If you’re walking into a gathering, try this:

Choose one person.

Not the easiest or the hardest. Someone you genuinely want to see more clearly.

Look beneath their behavior and words - for their essence and longing:

• The aunt who talks too much? Maybe she’s lonely.

• The uncle who argues? Maybe he longs to feel smart or valued.

• The cousin on their phone? Maybe they’re overwhelmed.

• The sibling who “has it together”? Maybe they’re exhausted.

You don’t need to fix anything.

Just see them.

And if the moment feels right, say something sincere:

• “You always make people feel included.”

• “I love how thoughtful your questions are.”

• “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Not flattery.  Not manipulation. Just appreciation.

Even small cherishing moments shift the emotional climate of a room. And ripples to others.

Try it - and let me know how it goes in the comments.

Join Me for a Fireside Chat

If you’d like to explore cherishing more deeply, I host warm, casual Fireside Chats through The C.H.E.R.I.S.H. Mosaic. Free. 

In the first chat, we explore:

• What happens inside you when you feel genuinely cherished

• How cherishing can change your relationships

• One practice you can try immediately

Space is kept small so the conversation can stay intimate.

👉 Register (free) on The C.H.E.R.I.S.H. Mosaic  website www.thecherishmosaic.com

I hope to see you soon,

Jeanni  ):(

What Is The C.H.E.R.I.S.H. Mosaic?

Over 25 years in mental health and counseling therapy work, I’ve developed a practical framework that helps people receive and share cherishing - even in difficult relationships.

We offer creative learning workshops, Fireside Chats, bookclubs, resources, and a supportive community where we learn how to soften walls, shift stories, and create genuine connection.

Visit our web home: The C.H.E.R.I.S.H. Mosaic

In the following Fireside Chat # 2 we will reflect on what keeps us from cherishing ourselves and others. See Substack and our website for the date and link.

Try our quiz to discover what’s keeping you from cherishing - and what part of the C.H.E.R.I.S.H. framework might help. Join us in Workshop #2 to share what you discovered.

Welcome to The Cherish Mosaic.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Jeanni Potter

P.S. If someone in your life might enjoy reflecting on cherishing, would you share this article?

And subscribe to be part of our Substack cherishing community.