Do I Matter?
Published on Substack Feb 2026
There’s a question that runs beneath almost everything we do, though we rarely speak it aloud:
Do I matter?
Not “am I successful?”
or “am I doing enough?”
But deeper - does me being me make any difference at all?
I’ve considered this question for a very long time . . .
in my acute care mental health groups with people whose lives had fallen apart.
in my own dark nights.
in my conversations with people from all walks of life - who feel unmoored even while involved in a busy life.
Could anyone do what I do?
Do I make a difference?
And here’s what I discovered - and passed on to others:
Yes. Yes, we do matter. Profoundly.
Here’s my thoughts on the reasons why we matter.
WE ARE UNIQUE
There’s never been - and never will be - another person who lives in this exact time and place in history. With our particular experiences, historical background, and knowledge set - and web of contacts and current opportunities. The next person will have their own unique constellation - their own way of mattering.
Appreciating that allows us to thrive where we plant ourselves.
Like a puzzle piece, our unique presence matters to the whole picture.
MATTERING IS NOT COMPETITIVE
For far too long, mattering has been comparative. As if some kinds of people or contributions matter more than others.
Our culture has amplified this to:
Mattering = Standing Out
You matter if you:
achieve something remarkable
get recognized, awarded, celebrated
rise above, stand out, make your mark
prove your worth through visible success
It’s exhausting. It’s isolating. And it’s based on a fundamental misunderstanding of how mattering actually works.
Because mattering isn’t about “standing out” from the mosaic.
THE MOSAIC WE’RE ALL CREATING
Think about a mosaic - where thousands of small pieces create something breathtaking.
Each tile matters not because it’s the biggest or brightest, but because of where it is and what it contributes to the whole picture.
A missing tile - even a small one - leaves a gap. The image is incomplete.
We can’t see the full beauty of what the mosaic depicts without every single piece in place.
Here’s what makes mosaics extraordinary:
The pieces aren’t identical. They’re not competing to be “the best tile.” Some are large, some tiny. Some catch the light, some provide necessary shadow. Some are at the center, some at the edges.
But remove any single piece, and there’s a hole.
The picture isn’t what it’s meant to be.
You are one of those pieces.
Not because you’re exceptional or flawless or perfectly shaped.
Because your particular presence - right where you are - is essential to the whole.
WHAT THE FOREST FLOOR KNOWS ABOUT MATTERING
Beneath every forest runs an invisible network - miles of fungal threads connecting tree to tree, plant to plant. The mycelium.
Scientists call it the “wood wide web.”
Through it, a mother tree sends nutrients to her struggling saplings. A dying tree passes its resources to its neighbors. Information travels - warnings about insects, signals about seasons, gifts of carbon and water.
No tree thrives alone.
Each one matters not because it’s the tallest or strongest, but because of what it contributes to the network. And what it receives. How its particular presence creates conditions for others to thrive.
The forest knows something we’ve forgotten:
Mattering happens in the interconnection, not the competition.
THE HANDS YOU’LL NEVER SEE
This morning, you probably drank coffee.
Have you ever traced the interdependence in that cup?
The farmers who grew the beans - whose names you’ll never know. The people who transported them. Who roasted them. Who designed the bag. Who stocked the shelf. Who built the road the truck drove on. Who invented the brewing method you used.
Hundreds of people you’ll never meet contributed their presence for you to have that moment of warmth in your hands.
And you - in your ordinary Tuesday morning - are doing the same for others.
The email you sent that arrived at exactly the right moment. The smile you gave the stressed cashier. The way you listened to your friend’s worry. The work you did that someone else’s work depends on.
You’re essential to the mosaic.
The question isn’t “Do I matter?”
The question is: “How am I being wholeheartedly myself in the mosaic of my life?”
WHAT I LEARNED ON AN ACUTE CARE MENTAL HEALTH UNIT
I loved the years I spent facilitating groups on an acute care mental health unit - helping people answer the question of mattering. People arrived on the unit
feeling hopeless and alone - they couldn’t see a way forward. They questioned whether existing was even worth the effort.
And I watched something extraordinary happen:
People started recovering when they felt connected to the mosaic again. During their stay they had time to reflect on their everyday life. And on their discussions with staff, group participation and talks with other patients.
And many realized:
their presence and perspectives matter
someone actually wanted to hear their story
they benefited from hearing other people’s perspectives on how to live their life
they can influence change by pursuing wholeness - not by overreacting to dysfunction
From “is life worth living?” to “living my life as me matters”.
WHATRESEARCH CONFIRMS
Jennifer Wallace, in her newly released book “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Connection and Purpose”, captures this beautifully: ´Healthy mattering is feeling valued both for who we are and for what we contribute.´
Her research confirms what I’ve witnessed in acute care groups and therapy rooms - we need both the inherent “you matter because you exist” AND the participatory “what you bring matters to others.”
She shares a Jesuit saying her family uses: “Not better than others, but better for others.”
That shift - from competing to stand out to contributing to lift up - makes life more meaningful.
Not trying to be the brightest tile.
Making your corner of the mosaic richer because you were in it.
THE NASA JANITOR STORY
There’s a story - variously attributed to President Kennedy, a reporter, or simply passed down as NASA legend - about a janitor mopping floors in 1962. When asked what he was doing, he replied:
“I’m helping to put a man on the moon.”
Whether this happened exactly as told, the truth it captures is undeniable.
Not “I’m mopping.”
Not even “I’m keeping this building clean.”
“I’m helping put a man on the moon.”
He understood something profound: His particular piece - bringing wholehearted presence to the work that was his to do - was essential to the whole picture.
Clean premises kept the equipment working well and allowed engineers to focus on their calculations. And when Armstrong stepped onto lunar dust, that janitor got to cheer too - because he’d been part of the mosaic all along.
Every piece matters when it contributes wholeheartedly.
Team humanity.
THE POWER OF WHOLEHEARTED PRESENCE
Imagine a brilliant engineering student working part-time as a sales clerk to pay for school.
She could approach the job resentfully - “this doesn’t matter, it’s just a placeholder until my real life begins.”
Instead, she brings her whole self to every interaction.
She learns regulars’ names. She anticipates what they’ll need. She makes the harried mom feel seen. She helps the elderly man find exactly what his grandson would love.
Her customers would say: “She made me feel like I mattered.”
Because mattering isn’t in the role - it’s in how you bring yourself wholeheartedly to people in ways that let them know they also matter.
MATTERING REVERBERATES
In my counseling program, we had a lab assignment: write about someone who’d impacted your life and why you appreciated them.
I wrote about my professor - how he’d seen me, believed in me, created space for my questions and struggles. How his way of being with people had changed how I wanted to be in the world.
After class, he stayed behind.
“Few people come back to say thank you,” he said quietly. “Your words really impacted me.”
I could not believe it.
This man I admired - I assumed everyone told him how much he mattered.
But me saying “you mattered to me” - that helped him feel he mattered. Not just his teaching, but as a person who exemplified what he taught.
I was thankful he felt appreciated. Yet I was also overwhelmed to realize: my words mattered? Me - someone who felt invisible at that point in my life - my words had made a difference?
Realizing we matter - acknowledging to other people that they matter - realizing that our words impact other people also says we matter - this shows the power of appreciation to nurture and heal.
THE INVITATION
For the next week, try this: Each day, tell one person specifically how their presence (not just their work) matters to you. Notice what happens - in them, and in you.
Let’s bring our wholehearted presence in ways no one else can.
A RETHINK ON “HOW WE RELATE TO OTHERS QUIZ” (previously “What Gets in the Way of Cherishing?”
Since launching the website quiz I’ve been listening to your responses and how it made you feel. I realized something important, so I redesigned and renamed it. It’s now “Discover Your Connection Pattern”.
The quiz now reflects that no matter where you are in your connection journey - whether you’re just beginning to question your patterns or you’re already discovering new ways of relating - you matter exactly as you are.
Each result acknowledges that every kind of relationship pattern has both strengths and challenges. The question is “how do we want to relate now in the mosaic of our life?”
If you took the quiz before, I invite you to take it again. Discover Your Connection Pattern
Let me know in the comments, from your reflection on the article and quiz, how you feel you matter. We will talk about discovering our uniqueness in a future post.
Visit the website and join our small fireside chats to discuss this important topic. Link to Fireside Chats are on website.
I hope to meet you there.
Jeanni