What You Value Matters: Discovering Your Magnetic North
Published on Substack April 7
Our lives are flooded with constant distractions and polarized messaging - it can be so easy to lose sight of what genuinelymatters to us. Fear and algorithms sort us into tribes, where we’re pressured to prove loyalty and pick sides.
Something essential can easily get lost in the struggle: an awareness of what actually matters - to me? Do I even know what matters to me - my core values? Or am I adrift in other people’s priorities and expectations?
These are crucial questions. Our values shape where we put our attention and energy, how we respond when life gets hard, what we say yes and no to, how we show up with others, what ripples through our social networks.
Many of us are living by values we’ve never examined. Some we inherited. Some we absorbed from culture or trauma. Sometimes we pretend to have certain values in order to belong.
When our values aren’t consciously considered, we become reactive instead of responsive. Fragmented instead of focused. Defensive instead of collaborative.
You’re invited to take some time now to discover what you actually value. The outcome of the search affects not only how we live our lives, but also impacts the world around us.
We can think of our core values as a compass directing us toward what matters to us, and away from what doesn’t. Since values often shift with time and experience, let’s use Magnetic North as representing how our values guide our choices in life. (True north never shifts)
Knowing and living our values can move us towards being our best self. Yet, is there more to life than the admirable goal of being all we can be? Social media often makes being our true self an individualistic experience. Two famous researchers rethought that premise - as they observed that being truly ourselves in collaboration with - and service to - others is very fulfilling.
In Abraham Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’, the highest need was originally self-actualization. But later in his life he discovered that there was another level beyond self-actualization. Becoming our best self and realizing our full potential are important, but it’s not the peak of human fulfillment.
Maslow identified the highest need as transcendence: living for something beyond ourselves. Having purpose within the larger scheme of things. Mattering to ourselves and others. Belonging and contributing as essential human needs.
Charles Darwin evolved beyond his early ideas of individual competition as the basis of survival. Later in life, he wrote that the most successful communities aren’t competitive and ruthless - they’re the ones who work together most effectively. He saw the values of sympathy, cooperation and mutual aid as essential to survival.
How do we explore this important territory of valuing ourselves and each other? It’s a journey of self-discovery. We have some ideas to get you started.
First, let’s reflect on why identifying our values is worth the effort.
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Why what matters really matters. When we’re clear about our values, we can:
. Be motivated and create aliveness. We’re not just going through the motions - we have a meaningful reason to get up every day. That mobilizes our energy, not depletes it.
. Prioritize our time and energy. Stephen Covey taught us a method to decide what is truly important and deserving of our attention, using a 4 quadrant model: Important/Not Important, Urgent/Not Urgent. We spend most of our time on what’s urgent-but-unimportant. The sale at the store. The notification. The outrage cycle. The thing everyone’s talking about.
Meanwhile, the truly valuable: relationships, health, integrity, what actually creates meaning - gets deferred. “I’ll focus on that later. Right now this urgent thing needs attention.”
But later keeps getting rescheduled. Sometimes for too long. The song “Cat’s in the Cradle” reminds us to not put off the truly important.
. Be guided in our decisions. Should I take that opportunity? Say yes to that relationship? We can use our magnetic north values to clearly make decisions that used to paralyze us.
. Helped to set boundaries that keep us safe and respected. And to have compassion for others who may need different boundaries.
. Prevent unconscious triggers. We all have values operating beneath our awareness. Bringing them to consciousness gives us choice instead of responding with gut reactions.
. Protect us from being manipulated by others. When someone says or implies “if you REALLY valued [eg. family], you’d do what I want,” we can recognize exploitation and discern the best course of action.
. Help us understand others. When we see the values beneath behavior, we move from judgment to curiosity. And we often discover shared core values, even when expressed differently.
An example might be children’s safety. Many value this deeply - but one person sees safety through structure, another through connection, and another through removing risks. Different how. Same why.
When we’re clear about our values and willing to explore the “why” beneath others’ values, we can find creative solutions. We move from polarization to collaboration - because we’re grounded enough to engage authentically.
. Find clarity about our core values - which helps us find our way back from overwhelm: My ‘Woman in the Mirror’ story
At my lowest point in my life, immersed in dysfunction and unkindness, I became someone I didn’t recognize in my mirror. Angry. Bitter. Reactive. Stuck. Distraught. Unmoored from the kind person I had been all my life - and not who I wanted to be.
I was reading Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger. She challenges her readers to discover and live according to our core values - expressed in our “bottom line” of what we can tolerate with integrity. To hold the line on being a responsible person, even in the face of another’s reaction to our change. She encourages us to stop compensating for other people’s dysfunction, but instead to respectfully believe that people can mature. And she shares how to set clear and kind boundaries until they decide to do so.
My downward spiral stopped - and I began a long upward spiral out of a dysfunctional interpersonal dance. The values I thought were important were being compromised - and used against me. To have integrity, I had to identify and act on my deeper values, rebalancing the dynamics. I now share what I learned in those difficult years with other overwhelmed people.
Do you have a story of a time where unclear values caused problems in your life?
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What do we need to understand about our values?
. Our values are often rooted in our stories.
I grew up when children were “seen but not heard” and typical adults were stern, dutiful and distant. As a result, I’ve spent my life studying how we can be warm, open, and delighted with each other. Moments of tenderness and kindness - between anyone - brings me tears of joy. It’s why The Cherish Mosaic exists.
What story shapes your values and life direction? Are you listening for the story behind other’s values?
. Our values are not maps.
They’re more of a guide - a compass as we’ve said - to point us in the direction we’ve decided matters to us. We encounter obstacles and distractions. We re-evaluate and re-prioritize throughout our life. [e.g. Do I value formal studying - or is caring in practical ways a higher value now?]
. Personal values and ethics are related but not the same.
Some personal values result in harm to self or others. Some are rooted in outdated stories leading to misshapen and misdirected lives. Some values conflict at times. (e.g. Is loyalty more important than fairness in this situation?)
Philosophers and theologians offer great reflection questions, such as “Who benefits? Who’s harmed?” and “Would I want that done to me?”.
Clarifying and discussing our values with others can help us find our blind spots - or a way out of needless missions.
Ideally, personal values and greater-good ethics align. Especially in those moments of ethical choice - “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done” says Charles Dickens character in A Tale of two Cities, when he goes to the guillotine in the place of his rival, for the sake of his beloved.
Or Viktor Frankl, reflecting on how people responded to suffering during his time in Auschwitz, wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.
. Our values influence others.
We can’t help but influence others with our core values. Consciously or unconsciously, how we do what we do - impacts others. And others choose how to respond with their values.
. Our values enable collaboration.
If we look at a jumble of puzzle pieces as the needs of the world - and the picture on the box as a thriving society - if we think we need to be all the pieces to complete the puzzle, we cannot do it. If we see ourselves as one unique piece - with strengths and limitations like the bumps and indents on the puzzle piece - we can contribute wholeheartedly to the greater good.
. We can choose to collaborate with people who share our values and vision, as well as those with different but complementary values. We can appreciate the societal contributions made by people with quite different values. And … yes, we can be refined by those whose values challenge ours.
Synergy allows us to live our values creatively in ways beyond what individuals can accomplish alone.
. We can look for opportunities to use the values we discover.
Then we can reflect on the experience:
. Does living this way create wholeness and aliveness for myself and others - or do I feel depleted?
. Am I becoming more myself - or am I performing a role?
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How to discover our core values: Our Magnetic North
If you’re ready to become clear about what actually matters to you, here are seven questions to guide your reflection.
After each question, repeatedly ask why each of your responses matters to you. Asking why will help you discover your embodied values, rooted in who you are and how you want to impact your world.
For example: Two people may value “compassion" differently. One reflects:
But why do I value compassion? Because a lack of compassion shut doors after I messed up.
Why does that matter to me? I understand how it feels to be judged and to not be given a second chance. Why does that matter? Because I want to empower people to find new opportunities to try again.
How can I embody / live out this value? - I want to help struggling people to have more chances to be who they want to be. Specifically, I want to use this value in working in an inner city employment program.
The Seven Questions:
Who do you admire (Ask what do you admire about them? Why do you admire that? What do these people you admire have in common? Why are these traits important to you?) My embodied values are…
What do you want to be remembered for by those who know you best? (Why? Why?) My embodied values are …
What are times in your life when you were proud of yourself? Not necessarily accomplishments that others celebrated, but times you thought “that’s me, being me, in a way that matters.” (Why? Why?) My embodied values are ...
What upsets you about the world? (Why? Why?) Your outrage points to violated values. If injustice enrages you, you value justice. If loneliness breaks your heart, you value connection. My embodied values are …
What delights you? What brings you joy? (Why? Why?) Pure delight and flow reveal what you love - and that’s connected to values. My embodied values are ...
What is so important you’re willing to struggle or sacrifice for it? What’s worth the hard work and commitment? (Why? Why?) My embodied values are …
What would you like to do with your life if there were no obstacles? (Why? Why?) What about in the next 5-10 years? What you envision reveals the essence of what you value. My embodied values are …
Is there a way to begin now?
Sit with these questions. Journal your responses and your “why” until you get past the surface to what actually matters to you.
You might discover 15-20 values that resonate. You can find lists of values online. Start by looking for patterns. Do some cluster together? Can you find 6 core values that serve as “umbrellas” for the others?
For example: “Honesty” + “transparency”+ “truthfulness” might be reflected in “authenticity” or “vulnerability”.
Find the core values that best represent you. Bring curiosity and compassion to this process of discernment.
Look at your 6 embodied values as a whole. How would you like to incorporate your values into your life? What redirection of focus, energy, and resources might be needed? Your Magnetic North provides direction. And collaboration and companionship with like-minded others. Allow time for the ship to turn gently, as you adjust the rudder of your intentions.
An Invitation
Would you like to discover and document your values in a creative learning workshop session? We offer an online and in-person values discovery workshop studio - where we reflect on clarifying questions, identify and apply our values using worksheets, and create a hexagon “zine” that clearly expresses our values. Together we assemble a mosaic art piece from our hexagon zines, giving us a vision of how we can use our values in collaboration with others.
This self-reflection and collaborative creative process is valuable for individuals, groups, teams and retreats.
We also offer a discussion on values in our Fireside Chats on Zoom, where we discuss this article, how our values developed, how they are impacting our life and possible new directions our values may take us.
If you are curious, please visit our website www.thecherishmosaic.com - see the Creative Learning and Fireside Chat pages. We’d love to engage in this discovery with you. Being seen and treasured as ourselves in community is transformative.
For more information we invite you to use the link below.
Remember:
. . .your values matter through you in a way no one else can - and in this place in history.
... discovering how your values can guide you through the circumstances and decisions of life is deeply liberating.
… we can take responsibility for our choices, influence and contribution to the world.
… our boundaries can be clear, kind and inspiring to ourselves and others.
… our choices can be seen in how we relate to ourselves and others and in how we use our various resources.
… we can see others as equally valuable and having choice, with unique points of view and with values that widen our perspectives?
… our efforts can be multiplied by aligning with others who share our values or complement our vision.
We can appreciate the person we see in our mirror - as we discover that what matters to us, really matters.
Jeanni for The C.H.E.R.I.S.H. Mosaic