Belonging: When Is It Worth It to Belong?

Published on Substack on Mar 2026

It’s human nature to want to belong. Remember the first day at a new school?

Since civilization’s earliest days we knew it was safer to be in a tribe. Together we could handle predators and health issues, share tasks, solve problems and have companionship. 

In our modern culture, higher standards of living have led to increasing individualization. While the joy of living life on our own terms is appealing, for some loneliness is rampant. And in an unstable world operating 85 seconds to midnight on the Doomsday Clock, people are finding alliances in those who offer a tribe. 

How do we respond to that desire to belong - whether for safety or opportunity or prestige? When is belonging a healthy choice? When is not belonging - or belonging in an unhealthy situation - or unsuited situation - not worth it? And, how do we offer belonging to others?

The Pain of Not Belonging

Partway through some professional training, one of my teachers said with contempt: “There are some people here who shouldn’t be here, but they pass their courses - so we have to keep them.”

I was sure he meant me. Every secret fear was activated. I was devastated. 

A few years later, I ran into a classmate on a train. She confessed: “I was sure he meant me.” She’d talked to others. They’d all thought the same thing. 

We spent our entire program wondering if we belonged. And if we would be expelled. Constantly measuring ourselves against our peers. Living in fear of being found out.

We became shapeshifters.

I learned this first hand early in the training. We were asked to spend a day experiencing first-hand what our client’s life was like. We were told to reflect honestly on the experience. I did. I wrote truthfully: trying to do all my normal day with big limitations was exhausting. I said I’d prioritize differently.

I barely passed the assignment.

The message was clear: We want honesty - but the ‘approved’ kind. 

So I learned: Hide. Perform. Give the answers they want. Survival meant shapeshifting, not authenticity.

I graduated from the program. I got a job in an area of interest. It took me a long, long time before I realized I belong in my profession. Not in having all the cookie cutter ideal skills - but in a value-based way and place that used my strengths to help clients to flourish in ways meaningful to them.

What Good Belonging Looks Like

Contrast that with a different moment I witnessed recently:

At the SAG 2026 Awards, I watched Michael B. Jordan’s surprise and delight as he won Best Male Actor in a Leading Role (plus another for outstanding performance as a cast member) - the tears in his eyes as he looked at his peers looking back at him with respect and admiration. You could see belonging happening in real time. With dignity and gratitude, he shared his journey to belonging in that peer chosen circle, surrounded by beaming faces of people who respect him.

That’s belonging in its beauty.

Not earned through shapeshifting.  

Not conditional on hiding your truth.  

But genuine: You belong here. We see you. We value you.

The Difference

When we compare my experience of threatened belonging in school to Michael B. Jordan’s belonging in acting, as chosen by his peers, let’s look at what differs.

Toxic belonging demands that you:

• Shapeshift to fit in

• Hide your truth (unless it’s the “right” truth)

• Following arbitrary/rigid rules rather than fairness

• Feel threatened by exclusion versus the safety of inclusion

• Realize that your flourishing is not a concern 

• Compete with others (they’re threats, not collaborators)

• You give your energy even when depleted

• Stay even when it drains you

The cost is steep:

• You don’t feel safe to be real

• You live in constant fear and comparison

• You betray yourself to fit in

• Even when you “succeed” (get the degree, get the job, get the relationship), you don’t truly belong as yourself a.k.a. imposter syndrome.

Let’s compare to what healthy mutual belonging offers:

• Your truth matters (the messy, vulnerable, human truth)

• We see you and we care about you

• You are respected as an equally valuable human being.

• Is belonging here healthy for you and also for us?

• If there’s another place where you could flourish better, we encourage your best

• Collaboration and synergy, not competition

• Rest and nourishment, not more demands

• Communication is honest and respectful - not manipulative or hierarchical

  The gift is freedom and choice

• Safe to be real (not perform)

• Supported in becoming (not stuck in a role)

• Space to heal and grow

• Refreshing (not exhausting)

Why We Keep Choosing Toxic Belonging

If the cost is so high, why do we stay?

• Because we’re afraid of not belonging.  We think we need to  belong HERE - even if “here” requires shapeshifting. Maybe HERE opens doors to other things we want.

• Because we don’t know what we need and want. We can’t recognize healthy belonging because we don’t know ourselves. What our own values are - what actually matters to us. What nourishes versus depletes us.

• Because we’re conditioned. We learned early (in families, schools, workplaces, churches, friend groups) that belonging is conditional. Earned through performance. Revoked when we’re too much or not enough.

• Because toxic belonging seems better than not belonging.  A place. A role. An identity. The illusion of safety. It’s not enough - but it seems better than the alternative.

• We’ve created a story that we don’t belong. Or others have a story about us that keeps us out of belonging.

• New ways of relating are hard. As Harriet Lerner says, people may prefer familiar dysfunction - even if it’s awful - rather than face the uncertainty of change. Or we may get addicted to the drama of dysfunction.

The Missing Piece: Knowing What Matters to You

Here’s what I’ve learned through years of working with people:

It’s hard to find healthy belonging until you learn who you are and what you need.

When you don’t know what deeply matters to you:

• You default to what others say should matter

• You join things because “I should” (not because they nourish you)

• You stay in toxic belonging because “at least it’s something”

• You shapeshift - maybe without realizing you’re doing it

• You don’t evaluate what nourishes and what drains you

When you know what matters to you:

• You recognize healthy belonging when you encounter it

• You spot toxic belonging before you’re deeply entangled

• You can say NO to what depletes you (with clarity, not guilt)

• You can say YES to what nourishes you (from groundedness, not desperation)

• You can walk away from places that require you to betray yourself

This is why discovering your values isn’t a nice-to-have exercise. It’s foundational to choices you make. To your happiness and effectiveness. To your ability to belong where people support and share your values.

You can’t test “Do I belong here?” without first knowing “What do I need to feel like I belong?”

How to Discover What Matters to You

In considering what you value, it’s important to exclude values you think you should  have but actually don’t.

It’s about honest reflection:

• What lights you up?  When do you feel most alive, most yourself, most at home in your own skin?

• What depletes you? What leaves you exhausted, resentful, shapeshifting?

• What would you do if there were no obstacles? If money, time, others’ opinions didn’t matter - what would you create, explore, become?

• Who do you admire - and why? What qualities in them resonate with something in you?

• What breaks your heart?  What injustice, suffering, or loss moves you to action or tears?

• What do you protect? Your time? Your creativity? Your relationships? Your solitude? Your voice?

• When were you most proud of yourself? Why?

• When did you feel your genuine presence made a difference?How?

• Who or what do you love that you’ll dig deep to support?Why?

Your answers reveal what matters to you.

Not in abstract “I value honesty” statements (though those can be true).

But in specific, embodied ways: I need creative expression. I value deep conversation. I need solitude to recharge. I need to feel I’m making a difference. I thrive on beauty around me. I need intellectual challenge.

Once you know what matters, you can ask better questions:

• Does this place / relationship / community / job honor what matters to me?

Or does it require me to sacrifice it?

• Do I feel safe to be real here?

Or am I shapeshifting again?

• Am I nourished here? 

Or drained?

• Do I belong AS MYSELF?

Or as who they need me to be?

• Do they care about me thriving and becoming?

Or does the story stay the same?

Testing for Healthy Belonging

When you encounter a potential place of belonging - a new job, community, relationship, group:

Test it out first. See how it feels. As a recovering perfectionist, “trial” is a word I really like.

Notice your body.  Do you feel relaxed? Energized? Or tense? Performing? Your body knows before your mind does.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe to be real here?

• Am I seen for who I actually am?

• Do I feel nourished or drained after engaging?

• Am I valued - or manipulated?

Watch how they handle difference. When someone disagrees or struggles or makes a mistake - what happens? Are they shamed? Excluded? Or seen with compassion?

Notice what’s required of you. Is authenticity welcomed? Or is there a “right way” to think, feel, speak, be?

Give it time, but trust your gut. Sometimes places feel awkward at first (new always does). But if after several visits you’re still shapeshifting - believe that.

Healthy belonging doesn’t require you to betray yourself.

If you’re constantly editing, performing, hiding - that’s information.

You Already Belong

As you look for places to safely belong, an important truth is this:

You belong in the universe because you are part of the universe.  (Alan Watts said this, and it’s true.)

You don’t have to earn your place.  

You don’t have to perform to earn worth.  

You don’t have to shapeshift to deserve existence.

You already belong - to yourself, to life, to this moment. 

 In a way no one else in history can.

It is important to lobby for human rights. But I’ve only recently discovered that firstly we need to walk in the dignity of knowing you belong - even if it’s not currently recognized. Needing approval or admittance in order to step into the place you want to belong creates an imbalance of power that can bring out the unhealthy side of people. You are a mother - or a child - or a teacher - you belong whether it’s acknowledged or not.

Though necessary in some practical situations, shapeshifting to fit-in creates disrespect and disconnect. Becoming and being a safe place for yourself draws others to your safety. Think high school cafeteria. If we sit alone, if we cherish ourself and others, people are often drawn to be near us. 

Have you seen the video-taping of Mr. Rogers before the U.S. Senate in 1969 to defend PBS funding? He faced Senator John Pastore - gruff, impatient, skeptical. Mr. Rogers didn’t pander or plead. He simply spoke calmly, gently and honestly about what children need, reciting lyrics (asking respectful permission to do so) to a song about managing feelings.

By the end, the tough senator said he had goosebumps. “Looks like you just earned the $20 million”, he said.

Fred Rogers created safety by being authentic, grounded in his values, and not performing. The senator was drawn to the presence, groundedness and warmth he exuded - and wanted to be part of supporting a project that matters.

How to find your places of belonging

• Discover what matters to you

• Find or create spaces that honor that

• Say no to places that require you to betray yourself

• Say yes to places that nourish you

• Belong to yourself so deeply that external belonging becomes a gift, not a necessity

• Consider belonging as being aligned in values

• Belong in a number of places. We have multiple values and can belong in a number of ways. 

• Learn how to make others feel that they belong as well. We belong in the success of others we’ve supported. No one thrives alone - even if it’s the public services we use. Remember in the Mattering article the NASA janitor that said he helped put men on the moon? He knew he belonged.

The Invitation

Pádraig Ó Tuama, community leader of Corrymeela (Northern Ireland’s oldest peace and reconciliation organization), said this:

“We need stories of belonging that move us towards each other, not from each other; ways of being human that open up the possibilities of being alive together; ways of navigating our differences that deepen our curiosity, that deepen our friendship, that deepen our capacity to disagree, that deepen the argument of being alive. This is what we need. This is what will save us. This is the work of peace. This is the work of imagination.”

When we know where we belong - and offer belonging to others - creative possibilities open up for everyone involved. Synergy. What comes to mind for you?

Next steps:

If you’d like to work on identifying your current values and how to align with others to accomplish your dreams, join us in a creative learning workshop. If you’re interested, you can learn more at www.thecherishmosaic.com or follow along here as I share more about belonging, mattering, and what it means to be fully ourselves with each other.

Here’s where you can explore these questions with others:

  📖 Book Club: Mattering by Jennifer Wallace - We’re exploring what it means to matter (and help others know they matter too). Join our next session. Link

  🔥 Fireside Chats - Free monthly conversations via Zoom where we go deep on belonging, mattering, boundaries, and connection. Pull up a chair, bring a warm drink. Link

 🧭 Values Workshop: “What Matters to You?” - Coming soon! A hands-on session to discover what actually matters to you and meet others who share your vision. Details at www.thecherishmosaic.com